Before July 12, 2010

Before July 12, 2010, I never knew what it was like to truly be scared.  Before July 12, 2010, I never knew I could love and care for someone so much.  Before July 12, 2010, I never knew I could feel so helpless.

At 8:00 on July 12, 2010, Eric and I went to the doctor for Adeline's 20 week ultrasound.  It was a full anatomy scan of her 12 ounce body.  Going into the appointment, I had the normal nerves.  At least I think they are normal.  I mean this is my first baby.

During the ultrasound, Eric and I fell even more in love with our daughter.  In my very humble opinion, she is the most beautiful baby in the world even when her pictures are only available via sound waves.  Take a look for yourself....

It is undeniable.  She is precious.

After the ultrasound, Eric and I were escorted to an examine room to discuss the pregnancy up to this point.  There were a list of questions I had...When do we schedule the 4D?  What about banking her cord blood?  When will Eric be able to feel her move?  But, I became sidetracked.

As soon as Dr. Roberts entered the room, she said, "we need to discuss some concerns with the ultrasound."  Eric and I looked at each other, and it was obvious that both our hearts dropped out of our chests.  Problems?  What problems?  She was moving around.  She is so cute.  How could something be wrong with her?  Well there were concerns, three concerns.  This is how the conversation went.  Please note that it is not exact.  I pretty much went into shock and started shaking when the doctor was explaining everything.

Doctor:  After looking at the ultrasound images, we have some concerns.

In my head:  Did she just say concerns?  As in more than one?

Doctor:  The ultrasound technician located choroid plexus cysts in her brain.  Two of them.

In my head:  Her brain?  Seeing them on the ultrasound was worse than any horror movie.

Doctor:  We also see some calcium build up around the left side of her heart.

In my head:  Her brain and her heart?

Doctor:  We also found...

In my head:  MORE?

Doctor:...some debris in her bowel.  This could be a sign of echogenic bowel.  Now there wouldn't be a concern if these were isolated incidences but since there are three there is cause for some further testing.

In my head:  Testing for what?

Doctor:  All of these anomalies are signs/markers of down syndrome.

Me (now out loud):  What did I do to cause this?

Doctor:  Nothing.  It is strictly chromosomal.  It is whatever egg and whatever sperm the baby gets.  We are going to schedule you an appointment with a specialist to look into this further and see if there is any concern.  So, don't start worrying yet.

In my head:  Don't worry?  You just showed me pictures of my sweet daughter with problems with her brain, heart, and bowel!

Doctor:  Do you want to do the blood screen that tests for down syndrome?  It's not 100% but it will give us an idea.

Me:  Eric, what do you think?

Eric:  Let's do it.

While I was waiting to make the appointment with the specialist, Eric went out to the car to call his parents.  When I finally got to the car, I noticed Eric had been crying but had stopped in time to be strong for me.  I sat behind the steering wheel and cried my eyes out.  It was the kind of cry that leaves you with a headache for the rest of the day.

When we got home (Eric took the rest of the day off), I began to call my immediate family.  Every time I told the story I cried even more.  I knew I loved Adeline but this experience changed it to a whole new kind of love.  I am her mother and couldn't do anything to fix her, and that's all I wanted to do.  I kept trying to remind myself that the doctor said not to worry yet.  These are just possible signs. But the fear, a fear I never felt before, wouldn't go away.

Some of the thoughts that went through my head over the next couple of days....

Is God punishing me for something?

My daughter will never get married, go to college, live on her own, etc.

I hope everyone will still love her as much as her father and I do.

We are going to have to start looking for specialists to help her.

There were hundreds others. But, this gives you an idea.  I know they must sound absurd and some of them are but I was irrational.  The one I'm most ashamed of is that God was punishing me.  How could this life inside me, whether she is normal or has a chromosomal defect, be anything but a gift from God.  How can someone I love so much be a punishment?  How can any creation of God's be a punishment?  The answer is it can't. 

On July 14, 2010, we had another ultrasound, spoke with a genetic counselor, and had a conference with a perinatal specialist.  We were told there is nothing wrong with her bowel, there is a chance the cysts could go away, and the calcium build up does not hinder the function of her heart.  On top of that, these conditions are also found in normal babies. They also didn't find any birth or physical defects.  As the appointment progressed, I could feel all the fear and anxiety being lifted.  They gave her a 1% chance of having down syndrome.

Today we got the blood test result back, and everything was normal.  While there is still a chance our sweet girl may have a chromosome disorder, we are at peace and love her now more than before if it is even possible.  God has taught me to not fear, trust in him, and the gift growing inside me is the most precious gift he could give me besides his son dying on the cross.  As I type this blog, I feel this reminder as Adeline tosses and turns in my abdomen.

God led me to the following scripture...

I sought the Lord, and he answered me,

he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant

their faces are never covered with shame.

Psalm 34:4-5

A righteous man may have many troubles,

but the Lord delivers him from them all;

he protects all his bones,

not one of them will be broken.

Psalm 34:19-20

This past week God has truly answered the prayers of Eric and me.  I read that when one was crucified the Romans would generally break the bones of the criminal but when Jesus was crucified they didn't break his bones.  Just as God protected his son, he will also protect the bones of my unborn daughter. I praise God for this.

So, on a lighter note...Pregnancy update.

19 Weeks

I felt Adeline move for the first time.  The first time I felt her I wasn't sure if it was her but later realized it was definitely her.  I usually feel her in the morning and night.

I actually started to show some as well.

20 Weeks

We had our 20 week ultrasound as noted.  I finally gained a couple of pounds.  This is probably due to the morning sickness FINALLY lightening up.  I only get sick every once in a while.  Yeah!  Enjoy the first belly pic!