There is a God, and I'm not Him.

In one of my favorite sport's movies - Rudy- comes this line, "There is a God, and I'm not him." After two years of trying to get into the University of Notre Dame, Rudy asks a university priest if there is anything he can do. The priest replies, "There are two things that I'm certain of. There is a god, and I'm not him." For years I have watched this movie and been confused by this line. How can a priest, a man of God, and a scholar only come to this conclusion? But over the course of the past year, I've come to understand the meaning of this phrase.

Around this time last year, Eric and I decided to try for our first child. I was so excited. I had everything planned out the way I wanted it. I would get pregnant quick (like many of my teenage students) and have my second and final child by the time I turned 30. I had always had the fear that it would take me awhile to get pregnant due to my past menstrual history. My menstrual cycle has never been normal/average since I was a teenager. But, after the first month of trying, I had my period and was pretty confident everything was going to go smoothly.

After four months of trying, I began to get really discouraged. I know what you are thinking, "Four months? That is no big deal. Chill out relax. It will happen." I wish I had a quarter for every time someone told me that while I was trying. And for couples who have been trying for years, this is a short time. But I can tell you that even those couples that have been trying for years became discouraged after four months.

A woman who deals with infertility has thoughts like this that go through her head...

There must be something wrong with me.
Maybe God doesn't think I deserve to have children.
I probably don't deserve to have children.
Why can horrible people get pregnant, and I can't.
God must think I will be a horrible mother.
I can't believe I saw another teenager pregnant today, and I still can't get pregnant.

As you can see, none of these are delightful thoughts. I struggled the most with - Maybe God doesn't think I deserve children and God must think I will be a horrible mother.

So what did I decide to do, and what got me out of this funk? A combination of miracles. Yes - miracles.

One - First God Sighting

My mother and I were taking a break from shopping at the mall and eating some Chik-Fil-A. While we are eating, one of my dear and precious friends who was expecting a child at the time happened to walk by. I congratulated her, and she asked when I was thinking of having a baby. God made it so easy for me to talk to her about my problems. I soon discovered that we had the same problems. She referred me to her doctor, who just happened to take the new insurance I was put on. From that point on, she was a constant support for me while trying to start my family. I truly believe it wasn't a coincidence that we just happen to run into one another.

Two - Fertility Doctor

When women think about starting a family, fertility doctor is the last thing on their minds. But, for me, it became a reality. My fertility doctor was amazing. I felt comfortable with her from the first day. God truly blesses certain people with not only intelligence but also the desire to help others. This is how I feel about Dr. Harris. If you are currently struggling with fertility, I am more than willing to send you her contact info. Just let me know.

After the first visit, it was determined that my thyroid was under active and not even healthy enough to carry a baby in the first place. First epiphany - God knew I needed to get somethings in my body regulated before I could even safely carry a baby. Once my thyroid was regulated, bring on the drugs. For me the prescribed medication was Femera along with HCG shots which I had to give myself.

So, what was my problem? Ovulation. What I had always had an underlying fear about. Dr. Harris believes that my ovulation problems were caused by PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. You can Google it.

Three- Sp ritual Awakening

Now, where does the -I'm not God - come into play. My entire life I have planned and tried to control everything in my life. My weight, my grades, my relationships, my job you name it I found a way to "control" it. Having a baby was going to be the same way. Wake up call! The only person who has control over my life is God, and guess what, I'm not him. Now I know you are going to say, "But, Denise, what about freewill" I completely agree with you. We have freewill but we must never forget where all our blessings come from and who deserves the praise. I truly believe that God has used this experience to make me lean on him and not on my own understanding. Even when life isn't going the way I want it to, God has a plan not only for me but for you as well. Accepting that plan is sometimes the hardest thing for me to do. A Christan woman once said to me, "Denise, you believe that God created the world and everything in it. You believe that Jesus was God on Earth. You also believe that he was crucified. Why can't you believe that his plan for you is best?"

Four - Multiple God Sightings

During this ordeal, God placed me in a Bible study entitled Lord, Where are you when Bad Things Happen? Throughout this study, the Holy Spirit yelled at me some amazing things. I want to share two pieces of scripture with you.

Look among the nations! Observe!
Be astonished! Wonder!
Because I am doing something in your days-
You would not believe if you were told.
Habakkuk 1:5

If God was to reveal to me all the trials, accomplishments, and events that will occur during my life, I wouldn't believe him. My mind cannot comprehend all the things that God has prepared for me because I would try to understand it with my earthly mind.

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail,
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold,
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The Lord is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on high places.
Habakkuk 3:17-19

I believe this is God's challenge to me, and he used my infertility experience to teach it to me. Life may not be good. It might actually be horrible but God is my strength, and he will make me strong.

The end of the story.

Almost a year of trying, cycles of fertility drugs, shots, numerous ultrasounds, and countless negative test results, the nurse for my doctor called me in March to tell me I was pregnant. While I was shocked and excited, God wasn't. He has known since the day I was in my own mother's womb that I would receive that wonderful news on that exact day. Isn't that comforting to know that God isn't surprised by anything? It is a great comfort to me.

If you do not have a personal relationship with Christ, let me know. I would love to share my faith with you. I'm not a perfect person. I sin and make mistakes everyday, but, I am also forgiven.

That priest that I belittled every time I watched Rudy was actually very wise. There is a God, and I'm not him.

I hope that precious Adeline Watts figures it out faster than her mom.

P.S. I promise to update the blog in a day or so with pregnancy news.